‘Fat & Hungry’ is my story about being raised by a young mother, which is like being raised by shitty older sister, I knew all the cuss words, just not the loving ones. My mom herself didn’t always have all the answers she needed as a parent, but she tried her best … at least I’d like to think she did. Growing up fat was no fun, always getting unsolicited terrible diet advice from mom and other Armenian aunties all while NOT having any food in our fridge. So why was/am I fat?! Instead of carton of eggs we had carton of Benson & Hedges cigarettes, some batteries and Mary Kay makeup, ya know for “freshness”.
As a kid I was constantly told to lie to family & friends about conditions at home. The only meals I had were government provided breakfast and lunch at school and a meal at grandparents house after school. Weekends were a toss, if I was visiting dad I was surrounded by family & food, if I was with mom I would be hoping and wishing for that phone call from anyone inviting us over for dinner. And when we did get the call, it was followed by words of encouragement from my young & unprepared mother “Mary eat as much as you can, cause we don’t have food at home” and then being scolded in front of others for being fat. If that’s not the beginning of an eating disorder I don’t know what is.
Its safe to say with a young mother, parentification was a common theme in my childhood and my 20s was no different. My mom went to jail in 2008, leaving me terrified, heart broken and in charge of taking care of her parents. And thats exactly what I did for 12 years took care of my grandparents while being heartbroken and having horrible coping skills & body image issues. Now in my 30s and in therapy I’m learning to love parts of myself I was told to hate. I’m even learning to have compassion towards my young mother who made a lot of mistakes, but so have I. If I can learn to forgive myself for 20 years of eating disorder, I can surely learn how to forgive and love a young mother who thinks she’s done nothing wrong … right?
