SHITTY AWFUL EVERYTHING FOILS FRINGE PHANTOM!!

BREAKING NEWS! THIS JUST IN!! EXTREY EXTREY, READ ALL ABOUT IT!!!

The Complex Phantom (aka the Fringe Phantom) has been caught! Despite all odds, a rag-tag gang of underachieving, mystery-lovin’ actors from “Shitty Awful Everything” has caught the culprit!

“After, like, getting trapped behind this secret passageway,” said cast member and part-time Petco anarchist, Sam Weiner, “Robby Doo and I found this hallway full of doors, where we, like, bumped into Katie, and she was all blind because she lost her glasses for, like, the third time this week, and we also, like, bumped into Chris and Juliet who were buttering a sock for some, like, reason, when the Phantom came up on us all spookity and oogity and so we all, like, ran through the various doors, coming out of random other doors without rhyme or reason, usually in different pairs than the ones we went into the original doors with. Like, sometimes the Phantom would be chasing us, and other times we’d be chasing the Phantom, and other times still we’d be chasing each other. Sometimes I’d go through a door carrying Robby, and we’d come out the other door with him carrying me. Sometimes, even Chris would be carrying me, or Juliet would be carrying me AND Robby, or the Phantom would be carrying all of us. I don’t even remember seeing any rooms, just like, an endless succession of doors, all leading to that same hallway. Also, sometimes, we’d be wearing costumes, like a knight’s armor, or a madame’s feathered boa. Is that weird or what?”

“A little bit,” I replied, “So cut to the chase—”

“I was just explaining the chase in great detail—”

“No, I mean, cut to how you caught the Phantom.”

“Oh, yeah, like, we did that.”

“Okay. Cool. How.”

Weiner paused for thirty-three seconds, possibly longer because it took me at least four before I started my stopwatch, then he leaned in and whispered, “With our miiiiinds.”

“So, Scooby Doo. What you just described to me was an episode of Scooby Doo. Every episode of Scooby Doo, really.”

To which he replied, “I don’t know what that is. I think you’re making those words up. Are you okay?”

I decided to get the scoop from someone else in the cast, as I was dying to learn the Phantom’s identity, after he ruined the performance of “Shitty Awful Everything” I was at by constantly flushing the toilet in the bathroom next to the theater, which could totally be heard through the wall, and all of the pipes. Unfortunately, I was stonewalled at every turn.

Juliet Deem refused to speak to me because of “The Great Russian Silence All Must Suffer,” which she basically described to me as, “A super Russian, super secret code of honor” which was “rude for me to even be asking about.” Katie Evans denied to comment because she “still couldn’t find her glasses,” Robert Walters refused because he had gone uber-Method, and was still under the impression that he was a dog, and that his vocabulary wasn’t advanced enough explain such things, and Chris Voss had moved on to teaching a nude painting class where he is the only model, and he makes his students paint him over and over again. “I’ve moved on since finding the Phantom’s identity yesterday, and so should you,” Voss stated.

This sent my mind whirling. After so many things had afflicted and tormented this cast, you think they’d be more than happy to divulge the secrets of overcoming one of the show’s biggest threats. Their caginess leads me to believe that they’re something more was happening, I just didn’t know what. Why hide the identity of the Phantom? Maybe, just maybe, they’re trying to protect him. Or…. her??

Luckily I didn’t have to ponder long, because director Kyle Cooper called me not minutes later with the Phantom’s identity………………

Tune in tomorrow to find out just who it is! Is it dead and desperate actor, Slappy Johnson? Living and still missing actor, Schmaul Leschmofs? Ghost hunter and sometimes Complex groundskeeper, Kimmy Shields? Complex owner and generally old dude, George Lou-Case? A Busey? A Baldwin? A Bolton?

*EDITORS NOTE: If any readers were shocked yesterday by the ruder tone of the article, especially in reference to the cast as “a bunch of idiots,” and “impotent wastes of breath,” and “beak-faced, dog-breathed, thin-lipped freaks,” then we sincerely apologize. It turns out Eric Roberts had kidnapped the original writer, and locked him in his own the closet as he was writing the show update. Roberts then peppered insults throughout the original article, and published it. We here at the publication swear to be more vigilant in protecting our writers from being kidnapped by Eric Roberts, and will really just try to better people all-around. Thank you for your patience.
we’ve got that out of the way.

ONLY THREE MORE PERFORMANCES! Friday June 17th at 11:59pm, Tuesday June 21 at 9:15pm, Thursday June 23 at 9:00pm! FREE BEER FRIDAY!!