SHITTY AWFUL EVERYTHING BEATS DEAD HORSE!!!

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE -

In case you’ve fallen behind on the hard times that have befallen the “Shitty Awful Everything” cast, here’s a brief overview: A masked phantom has disrupted the lives of the cast and performances of the show, cast member Schmaul Leschmofs has gone missing for the second time in as many weeks, this time possibly kidnapped by the Phantom himself and replaced by Hayden Christensen, (known to many as the actor who ruined Darth Vader, as well as for being able to do the world’s best wooden block impersonation), director Kyle Cooper has holed himself up in his apartment, binge watching Twin Peaks and binge smoking Turkish cigarettes, denying any contact with the outside world, except through tapping out his food orders in Morse code to his roommate through his bedroom door, and assistant director Cade Peterson has received lawsuits from Eric Roberts for not letting him be a part of the show, lawsuits from Crispin Glover for insulting whatever the hell Crispin Glover’s got going on, and dead birds from Gary Busey, who also wants a part. In other words, it’s been bad; bad almost to the point of monotony.

Meanwhile, a small gang of the cast has banded together to get to the bottom of the Phantom’s identity. After splitting up to search The Complex Theatre, Katie Evans found a wooden paddle that Santa Monica Blvd. fixture and dead actor Slappy Johnson used to “meet actresses back in the day,” leading her to exclaim “Jinkies! Maybe that dead actor was desperate enough to come back to life to haunt a very small theater in the hopes of getting the acclaim he never got in life, even after his promising, but little-seen three episode arc on JAG… Jesus, Los Angeles is depressing sometimes…” She then followed with the observation that, “My glasses! I can’t find my glasses…” before kneeling and searching for the glasses that were literally two feet away from her dumb, blind face.

In another of the Complex’s many theaters, Chris Voss and Juliet Deem found some rope, a net full of tangerines, an anvil, a XXL men’s sock, and a non-fat butter substitute called “Butt…Er, Not!” Which Voss said were, “The perfect makings for a trap!”
“Ahh! Das is classic!” said the very Russian Deem, “You want to be catching Phantom by trippings him with butter and the small oranges, and snatching him up in nets, then tying him with rope? Classic!”
“No, I was thinking we’d lube the sock with butter, tie the rope around the tangerines, then hide underneath the net with the butter-sock and the orange-rope, and then wait for the Phantom to come by, and when we see him, jump out, squeeze the citrus juice in his eyes, and rub the butter sock all over him to make him reeeeaaally uncomfortable!”
To which Deem responded, “……”
Followed by, “……….”
And then finally, “Das is stupid. You are a fool’s errand.”
Nearby Fringe play director Benson Chastewirth also chimed in on the trap idea, saying, “Those are our props, please give them back now.”

In The Complex’s kitchen, Sam Weiner and a still very naked and collared Robert Walters also found some clues, but were too high to remember what they were, if the clues were even, like, real at all. Reportedly the turkey clubs they found in the fridge from last year’s Fringe were still delicious though, if a bit on the gamey side. They may have had more to say, if they didn’t see the eyes move on a painted picture of the theatre’s owner, George Lou-Case, and run into a trap wall that swung around, locking them on the other side. I’m so tired of reporting on these simpletons. Something’s gotta give here…

Hopefully these idiots can capture the Phantom soon, or who knows how he could destroy their show! Also, who knows how long I’ll care! Let me answer that second question for you right now— I won’t care, at all, until my editor gives me a raise, the cheap bastard.

Anyway, come see the show on Friday night. Or Don’t. Whatever. I don’t even give a care.

*EDITOR’S NOTE: Lorenzo Lamas, Rob Schneider, That-One-Baldwin-Who-Isn’t-Alec-Stephen-Or-William, and Vanilla Ice have all now reportedly jumped on the lawsuit bandwagon, and are suing the show for, “Not thinking of asking them to be in it, despite never having heard of the show until after it opened, also Vanilla Ice just really wants to do stage work, you know, hone his craft,” which is a hyper-specific reason to sue a show. It also doesn’t sound like an entirely legitimate reason to sue, but that doesn’t seem to be stopping any of them for doing it.

**Also: No raise for you, monkey. You dance until I say stop!!

SHITTY AWFUL EVERYTHING has only three more performances before it disappears forever. Check it out Friday, June 17 at 11:59pm, Tuesday, June 21 at 9:15pm and Thursday, June 23 at 9pm. FREE BEER at Friday’s performance!