SHITTY AWFUL EVERYTHING BATTLES SUPERNATURAL FORCE!

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE-

Some spooooky things have been going down at The Complex Theater on Santa Monica Blvd., and I do mean spooooky with capital “O’s.” It appears the fates are not done yet with the cast and crew of “Shitty Awful Everything,” and stranger times seem to have fallen on the lot. Reports of major props going missing, sound levels being messed up and turned to excruciating decibels, and a dark spectre lurking in the wings during performances have all been cited. “Looks here like we got ourselves a phantom in our midsts,” said cast mate and amateur ghost hunter Kimmy Maxine Shields, before spitting a mouthful of chew into a nearby spitoon. “Some say this phantom is just some deranged person lookin’ to git our panties spooked into a collective bunch, but I believe the source to be of a more… supernatural variety.”

Shields continued, after turning off all the lights in the room and dramatically clicking on a flashlight to shine under her face. “So far nothin’ leads me to believe this is a poltergeist— a spirit of vengeance who means to do us mortal beings bodily harm— no, I think this just may be a prankster spirit. Possibly it’s Slappy Johnson, a poor, starvin’ actor who died outside of this very theater during the 2006 Fringe after his one man show of Hamlet ended tragically when he ran out of breath…Forever! OoOoOh! Some say, he was very mischievous, and that he still haunts the Complex to this day, pullin’ pranks and slappin’ actress butts!”

Others in the cast believe The Phantom to be far worse than a dead actor— a living one. Cast member and part-time Salt ‘n Peppa backup dancer Katie Evans commented, saying, "No way it’s a ghost. It’s probably just Jake Busey. Or Gary Busey. Or Eric Roberts. Hell, it could even be Crispin Glover, for all we know!" Upon hearing Evan’s allegations that he was the Complex Phantom, Crispin Glover responded by shrieking loudly into the phone for four and a half minutes, and then loudly proclaiming, “Vengeance! War! Mother! Not a toy! NOT A TOY!” and then hanging up.

Assistant Director Cade Peterson was quick to shut one suspect out of the pool of possibilities. “I don’t think it’s Eric Roberts,” he said, “Mainly cuz he’s been sleeping in his Corolla outside my house for the past few days, only waking up to yell at me about how it shoulda been him in the play. I try explaining to him that I’m just an assistant director, but I don’t think he understands what that means.”
“Also, he’s a pretty busy actor,” chimed in cast member and intermediate-level birdwatcher Robert Walters. "Dude’s got like 430 IMDB credits— and he’s so good, too! Have you seen “The Pope of Greenwich Village’? Underappreciated masterpiece, in my opinion. I seriously doubt he has the time to haunt a 50 seat theater. Sue it, sure. But haunt it? 430 credits. Four hundred. And thirty. Cred. Its.”
Co-star and I repeat EX-KGB AGENT, Juliet Deem, also piped in with her own two cents on Eric Roberts and the show’s financial situation. “Maybe we send him muffins basket, and all will be forgiven, da? He no more sue, because he blew….. berry… Muffins. He no more sue because he blueberry muffins…”

One thing’s for certain, this show seems like it won’t stop being a fount of batshit entertainment anytime soon. Come see for yourselves this Thursday night at 7pm.

SHITTY AWFUL EVERYTHING is playing OMR Theatre at the Complex Theatres at 6468 Santa Monica Blvd. Performances are as follows: Thursday, June 9 – 7pm; Saturday, June 18 – 12am (i.e. June 17 at 11:59pm); Tuesday, June 21 – 9:15pm; and Thursday, June 23 – 9pm. For tickets, visit http://hff16.org/3545.