SHITTY AWFUL EVERYTHING DERAILS IN FINAL WEEK!

Shitty Awful Everything

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE—

THE PHANTOM’S IDENTITY HAS FINALLY BEEN REVEALED!

After the Phantom’s capture a few days ago, I was stonewalled by the cast from learning his identity. Or….. hers??? Yesterday I tried to find a weak link in the rest of the cast, the ones who hadn’t split off for a detour into Hanna Barbaraland; someone who could give me the deep dish on the Phantom, but to no avail. They’re solid as a rock. A tight-knit unit, and they all refused to rat out. This perplexed me, but I respected their solidarity. Wouldn’t they want the Phantom to be put away? Publicly shamed for ruining their show?

Last night I received a phone call, and suddenly it all clicked into place. The caginess of the cast, the refusal for comments, the sharp elbows they kept beating me away with. The Phantom called me and revealed his true identity. It was the playwright what done it! Kevin Swanstrom! I asked him how could he possibly do that to his own work; to his friends who were in the show? He sighed deeply, and took a moment.

When he finally responded, he said, “I always do this to myself. I get close to the finish line with something, and I just give up. With my work, when I exercise, in my love life… I get too close to success, and then I convince myself I can’t do it. I’m not worth it. I’m worthless and I won’t make it. I’m afraid of failure, terrified of it— but the damnedest thing is, I’m just as terrified of success. Early reviews were good, people who saw it gave me positive feedback, the crowds laughed… So I got scared. I did the only logical thing I could think of— I bought a cape off Craigslist and tried to sabotage my friends with spookiness. But I’ve been found out, and I am deeply, deeply ashamed.”

When I asked him what he’d do next, he said, “I need to go away for a while. Let the show live on it’s own without my interference. I think I’m gonna go backpacking in Himlayas for a bit. Drink stone tea in a monastery with some Tibetan monks. Find my inner schwang again.”

This seems like some good news for once for the “Shitty” cast. Perhaps they can finally have a relatively uneventful show for once. One thing, however, was still left in the air: where in the world was Schmaul Leschmofs? The actor is still missing, and when I asked the Phantom if he’d taken Schmaul away, he said he had no idea where he was, or why Hayden Christensen had been around to replace him so readily, although he pontificated, “I think Hayden’s just kinda sad— probably doesn’t have a lot on his plate at the moment.” He went on to say the show was glad to have him aboard, but clarified, “He’s no Schmaul Leschmofs.”

Come tonight to see if Schmaul will make another glorious return to the stage!

Tuesday, June 21 at 9:15pm — SOLD OUT
Thursday, June 23 at 9pm – Few Seats Available!