SHITTY AWFUL EVERYTHING BREATHES TEMPORARY SIGH OF RELIEF!

Shitty Awful Everything

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE -

Audiences were shocked last Friday night when actor Paul LeSchofs made his triumphant return to the stage after swearing off the theater forever. While forever turns out to have been closer to four days, the audience, and certainly the cast, were glad to see him back.

Cast member and former tinker, tailor, soldier, spy Michael Sasso said, “Since Paul plays about six characters and is such a major part of the show, we can’t not say his lines, so we were just planning taking turns yelling them from offstage. It’s a very European technique I learned at the-a-ter school; it has Germanic roots. They call it Der Aktor Missenin So Yellenspiel Mann’s Lineswurst frum Offstagen. Needless to say, having Paul back is a gigantic relief.”

Director Kyle Cooper, while pleased to have a full house Friday night, undoubtedly from the publicity of the dispute, as well as the morbid curiosity of the masses ready to see how badly the wheels from the Shitty Awful train got derailed, was less enthusiastic about LeSchofs’ return. “Sure, he showed up 30 seconds before his first entrance, and stuck around almost until curtain call, but we’ll see if he sticks around for the other four performances— that’ll be the true test. I’m not holding my breath. Mostly because I have a rare lung disorder which makes me physically incapable of holding my breath— my lungs will literally explode if I try to hold my breath for longer than five seconds. Public pools were tough for me as a kid…” He trailed off, then started watching clips from “Fire Walk With Me” on his phone while cradling himself.

“It’s great that Paul is back and all,” said Assistant Director Cade Peterson, “But Busey— whichever Busey he is, keeps leaving me birds. I have buckets full of ‘em at this point. Just lots, and lots of dead birds. And if that’s not bad enough, Eric Roberts just served me a cease and desist order to stop any further performances of the show from going on. Again, I don’t know why they’re giving these things to me, these should really be going to the director. Do you know Eric? Can I give you the director’s address to give to him?”

I told him that no, no I did not.

The other evening I had the chance to catch up with LeSchofs himself to see if I could get to the bottom of his sudden return, and this was all he had to say. “I dunno. Had nothing else going on that night.”

Come see their next performance this Thursday at 7PM to see if LeSchofs is going to stick around, or if he will truly derail the Shitty Awful Train. Or I guess to see if they’ll perform at all what with the whole Eric Roberts suing them thing.

SHITTY AWFUL EVERYTHING is playing OMR Theatre at the Complex Theatres at 6468 Santa Monica Blvd. Performances are as follows: Thursday, June 9 – 7pm; Saturday, June 18 – 12am (i.e. June 17 at 11:59pm); Tuesday, June 21 – 9:15pm; and Thursday, June 23 – 9pm. For tickets, visit http://hff16.org/3545.