CAST MEMBERS DESPERATE TO SAVE SHITTY AWFUL EVERYTHING

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE -

After losing three of their cast members earlier in the week over creative differences, (read: they got greedy and wanted more money), and then quickly cycling through a replacement in the mad circus clown formerly known as Gary Busey, it appears that the Hollywood Fringe Festival production"Shitty Awful Everything" is in dire straits.

But all hope is not yet lost, for “the show must go on” mentality has taken over the remaining cast members, who have banded together in an effort to coax back Schmaul, Schmis, and Schmimmy, the three cast members who left.

“We going all out— a full-blown, attack-from-all-sides approach to get our fallen comrades back, comrade,” said former Russian KGB agent turned off-off-off-Broadway actress, Juliet Nicole. “Robert is sending muffins baskets to them, only it is more than just muffins baskets, if you catch my meaning,” she said with a wink, and then pantomimed doing a line of cocaine. “This is Hollywood, da? No one does carbs here. They make exception for muffins, if you have picked up what I have put down,” she said, again pantomiming snorting a line of coke.

She continued, “Also Michael [Sasso] has tried bribe them with offers to be doing housework, and Katie, sweet, sweet Katie has offered to be tutoring their unborn future childrens. If these do not be working, we may have to get more psychological to win back our comrades.”

“I’m fully prepared to blackmail them,” said cast member and children’s book author Sam Weiner. “I got shit on them. I got shit on all of them. Dark, nasty, black market ready shit. Shit no sane person wants to see the light of day. And if that won’t do the trick, then… let’s just say that I know where they live. And if you print a word of what I’ve said, then I know where you live, too.”

“Really, we’ve tried everything,” said cast member and former Miss America Pageant DJ, Katie Evans. “Robert [Walters] and I even waited outside of their houses, and I played the pungi, the traditional Hindi gourd instrument, while he writhed out of a woven basket, like a snake charmer with a snake to win them back. So far, nothing’s worked, they really just seem like they want to get paid. With money. And that’s just not how small theatre in LA works.”

Despite these setbacks, the cast remains hopeful that Schmaul, Schmis, and Schmimmy will return by opening night tomorrow. Whether this is true remains to be seen. Meanwhile, on the Gary Busey front, the actor, who had temporarily joined the cast by impersonating his son, is making overtures in an effort to be let back into the project.

“He keeps leaving dead pigeons on my doorstep, like a cat,” said assistant director Cade Peterson, "except, I know it’s not a cat, cuz he leaves little polaroids pinned to the birds that say “from Gary,” and all the pictures are selfies of him, with an arrow pointing to his face that he labels ‘Gary Busey,’ just so I know he’s the one sending me the birds."

When asked how this makes him feel, Peterson replied, “Honestly, I’m just confused why he’s leaving them for me. I’m just the assistant director, he should really be leaving these at the director’s house. In fact, can I give you his address? And if you see Gary, can you give it to him? Thanks.”

This reporter intends to do just that. This reporter also posits that if Jake Busey wasn’t actually in the play, then has anyone really seen Jake Busey since 2006? Maybe Jake Busey never existed in the first place. Maybe it was always Gary, but wearing fairly convincing make up… Only time will tell.

Come see "Shitty Awful Everything this Friday night at the Oh My Ribs Theatre @ 10PM to see how this whole sorted saga sorts— or doesn’t— itself out.

SHITTY AWFUL EVERYTHING opens June 3 at the OMR Theatre at the Complex Theatres at 6468 Santa Monica Blvd. Performances are as follows: Friday, June 3 – 10pm; Thursday, June 9 – 7pm; Saturday, June 18 – 12am; Tuesday, June 21 – 9:15pm; and Thursday, June 23 – 9pm. For tickets, visit http://hff16.org/3545.

$5 off June 3rd Preview Performance with promo code CRACKERS.